Naked Hiking

I found this list of “rules” for hiking in the nude online a few years ago and after much thought I added my own commentary on them. You’ll find my comments in bold below for each rule and they may or may not help you in your own nude hiking adventures.

  1. Avoid trails where there are likely to be a large number of other hikers. It’s best to avoid confrontation if at all possible.
    Because the last thing any one needs is a confrontation with a naked hiker in the woods.
  2. If possible do your hikes on a weekday rather than on weekends.
    Cause God will smite you if you’re naked on Sundays.
  3. Avoid trails where there are likely to be children and family groups. People who would normally react with a smile when meeting a naked hiker can easily take offence if they feel their children are threatened.
    What no showing up in the woods all naked and sweaty and approaching little kids? You need a rule for this?
  4. Keep an eye out ahead for other hikers approaching. Be prepared to cover up quickly. If you are alert you will see or hear them long before they are aware of you.
    That way you’ll have time to hide your shame.
  5. If possible do your hike with others. A lone hiker is more likely to be seen in a bad light than a group.
    Yeah, cause coming across a whole group of weird naked people in the woods is oh so much better than just one weird naked person.
  6. When you do encounter other hikers act naturally, normally and openly, don’t act guilty or in a suspicious manner. Take off your sunglasses to greet or talk to others.
    Yeah, you’re already walking around naked you don’t want to start acting weird or anything.
  7. Use ‘in and out’ trails. That way if there are no vehicles at the trailhead you can be pretty sure that at least on the outward journey you will have the trail to yourself.
    If you posted a sign at the trailhead explaining that you’re hiking nude, and included a picture you could probably guarantee that you’ll have the trail to yourself.
  8. If you do meet someone coming the other way ask them if they have seen anyone else on the track.
    Wouldn’t want to encounter any weirdos while you’re out there after all.
  9. Look for signs that others have been on the trail before you. Fresh boot prints may indicate there is someone ahead, whereas walking through plenty of spider webs is a good indication you are the first on this trail for awhile.
    Or look for bare foot prints, there might very well be more naked hikers out there, you could join up. Refer to rule 5 on being less scary.
  10. Be aware of where the trail will take you. You don’t want to find yourself in a street of houses.
    or on a nude beach.
  11. Be aware of weather conditions. You don’t want to be caught out in the rain or a sudden drop in temperature. Worse still in the middle of a bush fire.
    Or in the Rapture, cause God will smite you if you’re naked. Or He should any way you creepy naked person you.
  12. Put your clothes back on if you have to traverse areas where it is likely you may slip and find yourself sliding down rough or rocky ground. Nude gravel rash is best avoided.
    Again you need a rule for that, that you don’t want road rash on your…uhmm…lets just say on your member of parliament.
  13. Carry sufficient food and fluids for the duration of your walk. Have regular breaks for drinks and a snack. Dehydration can creep up on you very easily.
    Since you don’t have any pockets guess that means a backpack, eh? Seriously you don’t want to dehydrate and faint, especially naked. I’d step right over an unconscious naked person in the woods, well unless she was hot. You know cause heat exhaustion coupled with dehydration is bad.
  14. Of course always carry plenty of sunscreen.
    Let me repeat the PLENTY of sunscreen part. Oh yeah, you might not want to swat at mosquitoes either, depending on where they’ve landed.

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